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All through history there are examples of powerful beings pushing around less powerful beings. This happens for many reasons, sometimes the aggressor doesn’t realize what they are doing, sometimes they don’t know who they are, sometimes they are testing the waters, sometimes they are only doing what they know, and sometimes they do it because they believe no one can stop them. No matter what the reason we have to deal with them, and for those of us who are trying our hardest to be nice this can be problematic. How do we stand up for ourselves without becoming aggressors ourselves? When should we stand up for ourselves? These questions are at the heart of every recorded warrior code, and all of the answers for these questions start with knowing three things, yourself, others and, the nature of rights.

Know Yourself

“Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself makes you fearless.”~ Lao Tzu

No matter who or what you intend to make a stand for you need to know this. It keeps you from accidentally becoming an aggressor yourself, it reminds you that you have value, and it helps you become stronger. Start by knowing when you are likely to be irritable, scared, or angry. Pay attention to when these emotions come up, and just be aware of these when you enter those situations. For example, I am very cranky when I am tired. If I do not pay attention to this than I can end up snapping at someone or becoming upset about something that normally wouldn’t bother me.

Next make sure that you have an accurate self image. You are a sacred being. Within you dwells all the good seen in Ghandi, and all the evil seen in Hitler. You are not made up of anything less than anyone else, and you are not made up of more. You matter as you can make 100 differences a day and not even know it. Your limits are subject to change, and you are worth standing up for.

Make sure that you are not doing something that would make somebody think it is okay for the person wronging you to continue. For example, if they ask if something is okay or if they may you have full right to say that it is not okay and to tell them no. Also make sure you know what you want to accomplish by standing up for yourself. Do you want a certain action to stop? Do you want someone to start doing more around the house? Not having an intended and specific result will make it difficult to make the changes you want happen.

Know the Other Person

What is this person doing that bothers you? Why does that bother you? What is the other persons intention? Are they trying to cause you harm? Are they even aware of what they are doing? Are they even doing something wrong at all? Sometimes our impressions of others can make us see a problem where there really is none. For example, if you have been abused by an authority figure in the past make sure that you are not blaming the person you are having trouble with for what someone else did to you. The majority of people do want to be good, and in many cases simply letting them know that you are being bothered will stop a problem. When you do this try to be as calm as possible. The best way to word your sentence is as follows: “When you (specific action) I feel like (emotional or physical reaction).” Whenever possible suggest a solution, and let them know what you would like them to do.

There are still times where you will run in to people that push you around because they can. Whenever possible avoid these people. In cases when you can not avoid them the most effective thing for you to do is to firmly, politely, and calmly tell them no. If they ask why than give them your reasoning. If they persist you can seek help from a neutral party such as your hr manager or a family counselor. Unless they are trying to cause you or someone else physical harm and you have no other way to avoid it, do not use violence. If you have to use violence use it only to get yourself and the person being attacked out of there than get to a public place and let someone know. This is the only time when you absolutely should use violence, and again get out of there as quickly as you can.

Know Your Rights

This is how you know where to draw the line, and when it is appropriate to stand up for yourself. There are three types of rights, those we are born with, those we gain through responsibility, and those we are granted. We are born with two rights the right to be treated courteously, and the right to not be physically harmed unless we cause harm to others. Most other rights are derived from responsibility. If you will not take responsibility for the words you speak, than you do not have the right to say them. When you pay for the food you have the right to choose what you will be eating. When you pay for a house or an apartment and you put effort into it than you have the right to run your home how you see fit. You do not have the right to something you are not willing to do the work for, or take responsibility for. The last type of right is a granted right. Granted rights are given to you by the person with the necessary responsibility and can be taken away by them as well. One example is when someone invites you to their house, they grant you the right to enter their home, and for whatever reason they have the right to ask you to leave. Granted rights can come from friends family employers, or even a stranger. If a stranger chooses to fill your tank with gas, than they may choose which grade of gas they are paying for. In this case though since they offered you something you have the right to have them follow through on their word.

When you are within your rights do not be shy about standing up for yourself. Letting others push you around only builds up negativity that will come out somewhere, either in an unintended violent burst or with frustration directed at the wrong person. Never apologize unless you’ve done wrong, and when you do so mean it. Whenever possible try to address a situation before it becomes a problem. Be calm, be honest, be polite, be aware of others, and be aware of yourself.

by Justin Dixon

Photo courtesy of Tiago Ribeiro

“What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate.”~Henry David Thoreau

I have a very clear memory of me looking into the mirror and thinking “what a worm”. I couldn’t put my finger on why that particular day I had decided to feel like a loser,and than it hit me. Even if there a good reason (there wasn’t) feeling like that would not help me do anything about it. It would not help me, it would not change my view, it would not do anything positive. It was a useless way to feel. I decided then that whenever I caught myself feeling like that I would take action before resigning.

Things that make us feel like a loser ares:

• Regret
• Not following through
• Lacking a sense of purpose
• Feeling Powerless
• Being in bad health
• Feeling like you don’t have enough
• Keeping negative relationships
• Trying to control too much

So what can we do about each of these points?

Dealing with Regret When it comes to the past there is not anything to do. So rather than focusing on something that you have no power over turn your attention to what you can do. You can resolve to take risks so that you won’t have room to regret, but you have to let the past go. What can you do now? What can you do moving forward? Focus on that.

Learning to Follow Through This is also an important way to keep regret from becoming a problem. Either something is worth doing or it isn’t. If you determine that its not worth doing than great! Now you can focus on something worth doing. If however it is important enough to do, than follow-through on it. Put other things on the back-burner until you’ve finished it. Don’t just start something and leave it undone. This is a recipe for regret.

Find A Purpose. We often are so preoccupied with thinking that we have to find our one  purpose before we can really do any good. In other words we do nothing and expect it to take on meaning for us. Rather than take this route just find something to contribute to. How many ways can you give? How many good examples can you show? Go volunteer at a soup kitchen, buy gifts for an orphanage. Run a toy drive at work, even if you can’t afford to give money or time just give what you can. There are tons of causes. It doesn’t so matter which cause you act on, as much as it matters that you do something about it.

Know the Power of Small Things

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”~Dalai Lama XIV

When you choose to take action you may not be able to take on the whole world at once, but just choosing to do what you can is powerful. A single drop of water hitting the same place will leave a hole in even a rock. The other thing is  that there is only one possible way to know what you are truly capable of. You have to test it, often. The fact is that anytime you mess up you gain experience which can than be applied to do something better. If you are consistently trying at something you are likely to succeed, but you don’t know when or by how much until you commit to keep that up. So long as you can act you are not powerless. So long as you can govern your own attitudes you are not powerless. So long as you do what you can, you are not powerless.

Healthy Body Means Happier Mind Sometimes when we are feeling down and out it is simply a matter of whether we are getting all of our vitamins or whether we are getting enough sleep. Make sure that you eat small healthy snacks throughout the day, and if you find yourself particularly down try and see if you can squeeze in a ten minute nap. Also be sure to do something active. The chemicals released when we exercise are definitely a great mood booster. Another thing about taking care of yourself is you feel better about yourself for having the discipline to do that. Its a win-win here, and one of the easiest solutions on this list.

List what you have. If you are able to read this than you are not blind. If someone is reading this to you than you have a friend that is that good to you. There  is always something to be thankful for. See if you can list twenty things today. The other thing is to make sure that you thank and compliment as many people as you can today. This attitude of gratefulness always will knock out at least some if not all feelings of loser-dom.

Mind Your Relationships While it is true that no one has more authority than you over who you become, managing who you spend your time with is one of the most important ways to do this. If you have somebody that regularly treats you like crap than get away from that person. If that means being rude than be rude. If you have to work with this person than report their behavior to HR. When someone is consistently tearing others down it is never appropriate.The thing is that it is much easier to pick up the habits of those we are regularly around than it is to not. If you’re not sure how to get friends worth having you can check out How to Choose and Attract Friends Wisely.

Learn to Let Things Go There are some things that you can not control, and stressing out about them will only serve to make you miserable. You can not control the past. You can not control the actions of others. You can not control traffic. You can  not control everything. Accidents will happen. Things will go wrong. Trying to control these things will leave you feeling frustrated. Its going to be alright though. Stressing out and trying to control what you can’t control is not going to help anybody. In cases of other peoples actions you can set a good example. In cases of accidents you can keep a good attitude.

So the most important thing you can take away from this is that there are certain actions that leave us more vulnerable to feeling like a loser, and certain actions that we can take to prevent this. Some of these things like getting a ten minute nap, are quick fixes. Others are habits that need to be changed, and while that will take time. It is worth the effort. So if you find yourself feeling like a loser, than don’t just wallow in it. Determine a course of action, and follow through.

Photo Courtesy of notsogoodphotography

This post is dedicated to someone who I can only hope will get to read it.

It was my last year of high school, and you were asking people of all different grades, to write a poem about what their life was like. You said that you were looking for something free-verse, and that you wanted to put these poems in a book for others to read. You made me promise that I would do something with my poem.

Mrs. Laura Skinner, one of the great teachers that has had a powerful impact on my life, this post is dedicated to you. Here is that poem:

Free-Fall

Each moment passes swiftly as this unseen force and passing time steals me away from where I once was.

The solidity of familiarity cannot be returned, and time yields for no one. Though I’ve no way to ease my fall, to fight by my fears can only take away.

So I open my arms, and I close my eyes.

I take a deep breath, and let go of each passing fear, thus releasing me to experience…

…the rising wind as it kisses my cheek, and makes my hair dance.

…the songs of life as sung by the distant world.

I do not know what will happen, whether I will be smashed on the rocks, or fly with newly sprouted wings,

but in the mean time I will trust in hope, and embrace this ever rushing free-fall.

Now dear reader, I must ask something of you. I want my old teacher to see this. I don’t know how to reach her anymore. If this poem meant anything to you, and if you can be so kind as to help me I want to make sure she gets to read this. E-mail this post, forward this post, tweet this post, and if you know her show her this post, please help me make sure that she gets to see me keep my promise. Whatever you choose to do thank you.

Thank you readers, and thank you Mrs. Skinner.

Confidence is a major key to many aspects of our lives. It can be applied to happiness in the way it frees us from many internal struggles. It can help us in our work lives.  A confident person is more likely to be hired than somebody who is not confident. It can help us in our dating lives; confidence is a very attractive feature.

And with so many great things linked to confidence its no wonder so many people try to give off the impression. There are tells though. Here’s how to tell real confidence apart from faked confidence.

Real confidence does not need the center of attention. When you really believe in yourself you know that you are relevant. You don’t need the attention of others to verify this.

Real confidence does not put others down. There is no need to make others feel inferior, nor to go out of your way to prove some sort of superiority. With nothing prove, and a positive self image, you are left with no reason to put anyone else down.

Real confidence is not fear based. Confidence is the opposite of fear. All fear boils down to us thinking that we are not enough to handle what could come next.

Real confidence lets their opponents speak. Somebody who is truly confident is not afraid of being wrong. They know it happens, and they know that it is better that they learn. They also know that they will get their turn to speak.

Real confidence can take criticism. Again, they know that it is better to learn the truth than to continue being wrong, and if the criticism is wrong a person with real confidence can make that decision for themselves.

Real confidence always tries again. Someone who is really confident knows that things aren’t always going to work out. What someone with real confidence doesn’t do is decide that just because it doesn’t work out the first time does not make them a failure. It means just keep trying.

Now it is going to happen where you will find others faking their confidence. Do not call them out of on this. Instead I recommend Thoreau’s approach.

“If you would convince a man that he does wrong, do right. But do not care to convince him. Men will believe what they see.”

What are some other traits of real confidence you can think of? More importantly how are you going to carry yourself?

Photo Courtesy of h.koppdelaney

Note from Justin: This woman has been the consistent influence that taught me how to never make an excuse for not going after my dreams. She has dealt with me since the day I was born, and for that I am extremely grateful. She is my mom. Now, she has been making some pretty big changes recently. She has started song-writing classes, she is looking to change careers, and she is really taking her dreams seriously. She has always been an inspiration for me so I asked her if she would write an article on starting to go after your dreams. This is what this dynamic woman who has had a heavy hand in my becoming who I am today had to say.

We all have dreams, that one thing that you want to do, that vision only you can see, but only when you are paying attention.  It’s usually something that has followed us for years; something that doesn’t go away with age or circumstances.  They can be quite irritating, these dreams.  They haunt you in the middle of the night, tug at your heart in the middle of the work day, or scream at you when you see someone else following their dream.
It is also imperative that you follow your dreams. Imagine, if Ben Franklin had not “discovered” electricity, Thomas Edison would not even have known to dream of the light bulb, and I would not be able to type this article on a computer, in the comfort of my own family room.  People call this the butterfly effect; one dreamer opens the door for another dreamer and so on and so forth. 

For someone mentally challenged, their dream may be to love everyone around them.  Have you ever taken the time to observe or get to know someone who is mentally challenged?  If not, I encourage you to do so.  They don’t have all the “rules” that bind them up and keep them from doing what they want.  Children pretend they are dinosaurs hatching from an egg simply because they can still imagine that to be the case. Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” The innocence and trusting of children that says something will work just because they believe it to be so; is never something we should walk away from.

Easier said than done, I know!  Life usually throws circumstances at you; things rarely go the way you plan.  Even if life has gone exactly as planned, you may find yourself sitting at a desk wondering what this was all about.  Something awful may happen to you, or the mundane may just wash every part of yourself away.

“Figure out who you are and do it on purpose!”-Dolly Pardon

I’m figuring out who I am, getting to know all about me, flaws and all. I dare you to do the same.

I enjoy crafts and needlework. If you know anything about crafts or needle work, then you know the back of something can be a bit of a mess.  The really great needle workers can make it all look almost as good as the front.  However, no matter how good it looks, there is always a difference between what is shown and what is behind it.  Life is that way. There is always something, a wart so to speak, behind the person we are.  Embrace those warts, don’t hide from them.  Some warts must be removed, in order for you to be healthy, others add to who you are.

Examine yourself. Don’t be afraid. Figure out what you need to do.  Begin to take action.

“The number one mistake people make in life, is being so afraid to make a mistake that they never get started.”-John C. Maxwell

If it is not something you can handle yourself, reach out for help. If you’re not sure what your dream is, take the time to search yourself for one, even if it’s just a small one. Trust me, you have a dream, it’s in there, we were all made with a purpose.  And don’t just keep your dream in a neat little box in the corner. Go out and live it! You never know who you will inspire.

by Maria Dixon

A quick thanks to @zebrapolkadots for inspiring this post.

When Dale Carnegie passed away his tomb stone was made to read:

“Here lies a man, who knew how to surround himself with men better than himself.”

Carnegie himself chose this so that not only could he lift up those around him, but also because this had been one of the main keys to his success. The fact is that if you took the top five people you spend time with, you will normally find that your income, is the average of the five. Please note that while income should never be a determining factor for a friendship, as that would be an empty relationship, there is still something to this. It goes beyond finances to your habits, attitudes, and through those ultimately to your character and destiny. So having the right friends is important, but how do you get friends like this?

Be the type of friend that you want to have. The first thing you have to do is you have to be somebody worth being a friend to. One great way to start this would be following some of the advice of my friend Mary Jaksch in her great article on true friendship. The main point is that if you want real friends you have to commit to be that real friend. Make a list of all the qualities that a perfect friend would have. How can you improve yourself in these areas? Focus on that, when you’ve got that right real friends will follow. Build yourself, and they will come.

Choose quality over quantity. It is good to have lots of connections. It is essential to treat everyone with the respect and kindness that you want this world to have. This however is not about what connections you have, and who you are nice too. This is about who you make a regular habit of spending time with. Unlike connections this is not a case of the more the merrier; this is a case of the more valuable the better. One true friend that helps you be a better person is 1,000 times better than a hundred friends that keep you living a life of mediocrity.

Never compromise. I’ve always had strange values as a young man. I didn’t like how the guys in middle school talked about women. It was disrespectful to both the girls, and to themselves as human beings. These same guys had been my friends for the last two years, and we did all enjoy goofing around, and joking together, but enough was enough. It came to a point where a comment was made, and I told them that if they made a comment like that again, that I would find a different table to eat at. It only took five minutes for that to be broken. I stood up with my food, and walked over to where someone I had just started connecting with and asked if I could sit down with them. This new group of people were my friends for the rest of middle school even on towards today. Oddly enough there were no hard feelings, though my old friends did watch their words around me on the few times that we did hang out again.

The point of my story? Never compromise who you are. Never compromise your values. If you have to do this to keep a friend than cut them loose. They can find more friends and so can you. It is an insult to both the person holding you back, and to yourself to think that one will not be able to find more friends ever again. Its not an insult to leave the company of those that you don’t want to mimic, its an opportunity for both of you to move forward. Go ahead and keep the connections, just be picky about who you spend your time with.

Be an original. The fact is that not much would be gained if all of our friends were exactly alike. So know who you are, and be that fully, proudly and boldly. It doesn’t matter how strange that ends up being, or whether your fiends agree or not. People want genuine friends, and in being genuine you are probably not always going to agree. This is natural, and good. Don’t shy away from it.

“You were born an original. Don’t die a copy.” ~ John Mason

Put yourself out there. This is coming from a natural introvert. Look up the events in your area, to see if anything catches your eye. I like to check meetup.com. For those not familiar with this service, you just search for your interests and see if you can find others in the same area with the same interests that want to meet up. This is actually a lot of fun, and a great way to find people with similar interests and values. You can also meet a lot of people that will stretch you as a person. Go up and introduce yourself at parties. I know this can be scary; it still scares the willies out of me, but really what have you or I to lose? If they are not your friend before, and they decide to not be your friend after-wards what have you lost? On the other hand if you don’t try to put yourself out there, and they would of been a life changing connection, than you will have lost a piece of your own potential.

Always, always, offer value. No matter what else you do, this is they key factor in attracting people to you. We only have so much time in our busy lives, be somebody who is worth spending that time with. Ways to do this include challenging your friends to be as great as they could be, being original, being honest, being good-humored, being inspirational, being supportive, and sometimes just being there.

My network of friends keeps on geting bigger, but I cannot say that I have a huge network of friends yet. What I can say is that I cherish every friendship that I have. I can say that the people I choose to spend my time with make me a better person, and that every single friendship that I have is 150% worth it! What about you? Whats the most valuable advice you’ve ever gotten on friendship? How do you pick your friends? How are you a good friend to others?

by Justin Dixon