Photo courtesy of Esper.Art.Br
All through history there are examples of powerful beings pushing around less powerful beings. This happens for many reasons, sometimes the aggressor doesn’t realize what they are doing, sometimes they don’t know who they are, sometimes they are testing the waters, sometimes they are only doing what they know, and sometimes they do it because they believe no one can stop them. No matter what the reason we have to deal with them, and for those of us who are trying our hardest to be nice this can be problematic. How do we stand up for ourselves without becoming aggressors ourselves? When should we stand up for ourselves? These questions are at the heart of every recorded warrior code, and all of the answers for these questions start with knowing three things, yourself, others and, the nature of rights.
Know Yourself
“Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself makes you fearless.”~ Lao Tzu
No matter who or what you intend to make a stand for you need to know this. It keeps you from accidentally becoming an aggressor yourself, it reminds you that you have value, and it helps you become stronger. Start by knowing when you are likely to be irritable, scared, or angry. Pay attention to when these emotions come up, and just be aware of these when you enter those situations. For example, I am very cranky when I am tired. If I do not pay attention to this than I can end up snapping at someone or becoming upset about something that normally wouldn’t bother me.
Next make sure that you have an accurate self image. You are a sacred being. Within you dwells all the good seen in Ghandi, and all the evil seen in Hitler. You are not made up of anything less than anyone else, and you are not made up of more. You matter as you can make 100 differences a day and not even know it. Your limits are subject to change, and you are worth standing up for.
Make sure that you are not doing something that would make somebody think it is okay for the person wronging you to continue. For example, if they ask if something is okay or if they may you have full right to say that it is not okay and to tell them no. Also make sure you know what you want to accomplish by standing up for yourself. Do you want a certain action to stop? Do you want someone to start doing more around the house? Not having an intended and specific result will make it difficult to make the changes you want happen.
Know the Other Person
What is this person doing that bothers you? Why does that bother you? What is the other persons intention? Are they trying to cause you harm? Are they even aware of what they are doing? Are they even doing something wrong at all? Sometimes our impressions of others can make us see a problem where there really is none. For example, if you have been abused by an authority figure in the past make sure that you are not blaming the person you are having trouble with for what someone else did to you. The majority of people do want to be good, and in many cases simply letting them know that you are being bothered will stop a problem. When you do this try to be as calm as possible. The best way to word your sentence is as follows: “When you (specific action) I feel like (emotional or physical reaction).” Whenever possible suggest a solution, and let them know what you would like them to do.
There are still times where you will run in to people that push you around because they can. Whenever possible avoid these people. In cases when you can not avoid them the most effective thing for you to do is to firmly, politely, and calmly tell them no. If they ask why than give them your reasoning. If they persist you can seek help from a neutral party such as your hr manager or a family counselor. Unless they are trying to cause you or someone else physical harm and you have no other way to avoid it, do not use violence. If you have to use violence use it only to get yourself and the person being attacked out of there than get to a public place and let someone know. This is the only time when you absolutely should use violence, and again get out of there as quickly as you can.
Know Your Rights
This is how you know where to draw the line, and when it is appropriate to stand up for yourself. There are three types of rights, those we are born with, those we gain through responsibility, and those we are granted. We are born with two rights the right to be treated courteously, and the right to not be physically harmed unless we cause harm to others. Most other rights are derived from responsibility. If you will not take responsibility for the words you speak, than you do not have the right to say them. When you pay for the food you have the right to choose what you will be eating. When you pay for a house or an apartment and you put effort into it than you have the right to run your home how you see fit. You do not have the right to something you are not willing to do the work for, or take responsibility for. The last type of right is a granted right. Granted rights are given to you by the person with the necessary responsibility and can be taken away by them as well. One example is when someone invites you to their house, they grant you the right to enter their home, and for whatever reason they have the right to ask you to leave. Granted rights can come from friends family employers, or even a stranger. If a stranger chooses to fill your tank with gas, than they may choose which grade of gas they are paying for. In this case though since they offered you something you have the right to have them follow through on their word.
When you are within your rights do not be shy about standing up for yourself. Letting others push you around only builds up negativity that will come out somewhere, either in an unintended violent burst or with frustration directed at the wrong person. Never apologize unless you’ve done wrong, and when you do so mean it. Whenever possible try to address a situation before it becomes a problem. Be calm, be honest, be polite, be aware of others, and be aware of yourself.
by Justin Dixon
